


Life's One Big Soap Opera

by pupeez4eva



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Drabbles, Humor, Multi, Parody, Soap Opera Parody, batfam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:43:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8019718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wherein the rich (and somewhat insane) Wayne family are characters on the hit soap opera, "Gotham City."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

_(The Camera pans slowly throughout room, showing it's occupants. Tim, Dick, Cassandra and Stephanie watch Bruce, while he stands side-by-side with Selina)._

"I'm sure you're wondering why I called you out here."

"Well, it's about the company, right?" Tim asks.

Bruce glances briefly at Selina, and then back at his children. "Not quite. You see — "

"Why is Selina here?" Dick interrupts, and then glances suspiciously at said woman.

Selina raises one eyebrow in response, and appears unruffled.

"Well — "

"Oh my god, is that an _engagement ring?!"_

At Steph's cry, everyone sits up, looking various degrees of shocked, disbelieving, and angry. A cry of _"WHAT?!"_ echoes throughout the room.

"Yes," Bruce says, taking Selina's hand. "I will be marrying Selina."

He shoots her a loving glance, which she returns.

"Bruce — no!" Dick cries, jumping to his feat. "You can't! She's a thief! She _stole_ your mother's pearls!"

"And I've forgiven her for that," Bruce responds patiently.

"She just wants your money!" Tim protests.

Selina's eyes narrow. "That's not true!" she says. "Tim, Dick, Cassandra, Stephanie — I love Bruce. I haven't been the best person, but I am determined to make it up to him, and all of you, by being the best wife and step-mother I can be."

Dick shakes his head vehemently. "I can't allow this!"

"Well you'l have too," Bruce retorts heatedly, "because I've realised I can't live without her. It took her falling off that roof, and me sitting by her hospital bed, waiting for her to wake up from that coma — " He pauses, swallowing, and Selina squeezes his hand supportively, " — to realise, but…I won't do it!"

 _"Bruce!"_ Tim cries.

Bruce opens his mouth, but doesn't have a chance to respond before the door bursts open, and a familiar figure walks into the room.

_(The camera moves slowly from left to right, displaying the shocked, disbelieving expressions of each of the Wayne children. It then focuses on Selina, who stares furiously at the figure, and then Bruce, who looks as stunned as his children)._

_(The camera then moves to the figure standing in the doorway, revealing none other than Talia al Ghul, Bruce's former lover, and Selina's greatest rival)._

"Stop!" Talia cries, striding forward. "Beloved, you _cannot_ marry that woman!"

Gasps fill the room.

"Talia?!" Dick cries incredulously.

"Talia? What are you doing here?" Bruce demands. "You told me you'd be leaving the country!"

"She's not the right woman for you!" Talia snarls, jabbing a finger in Selina's direction.

"And what, you are?!" Selina retorts. "You tried to _kill_ me, you psychopath! You _pushed me off a roof!"_

Talia snorts. _"Please._ You slipped." She turns to Bruce, while Selina glares at her. "Beloved; before you make any rash decisions, there's something you must know. It's about…that night we spent together, ten years ago."

"Talia — "

"He'll never be yours Talia!" Selina cries furiously.

"Be quiet!" Talia snaps. "When I say what I have to say, we'll see who he chooses!" She turned back to Bruce. "Beloved — "

Before she can say anything else, a young voice calls out, cutting her off abruptly.

"Mother? Can I come in now?"

Everyone turns to the doorway. Standing there is a young boy, who looks like he must be at least ten years old.

_(The camera pans throughout the room, showing the dawning realisation of the faces of everyone present. It then focuses on Bruce, who is glancing between Talia and the boy, his eyes wide)._

Talia smiles. "Beloved — meet your son."


	2. Chapter Two

Episode 5115:

_(Camera zooms in, giving the audience a clear view of the frustration on both Jason and Dick's faces)._

"You can't do this anymore Dickhead!" Jason yells.

"Jay!"

"Be quiet! I'm only here to tell you to stop being such an ass! _Choose_ one of them, for god's sake!"

"But — I don't know what to do Jay!" Dick's voice trembles with distress and confusion. Both he and Jason are standing outside, rain pouring around them, almost like a visual representation of their emotions. "I love both of them!"

Jason is unmoved by his brother's distress. "I don't care! Kory and Barbara are my friends, and you are _not_ going to be stringing them along anymore! _Choose!"_

Dick lowers his gaze, swallowing. "I…I never meant for it to be this way. I love Kory, but Barbara…Jay, ever since we got trapped in that lift together, I've just had these _feelings_ for her, and I've tried so hard to ignore them, but…" His voice trails off.

"So you love Barbara?"

"Yes…but I love Kory too."

Jason doesn't seem happy with this answer. He scowls, and snaps, "well choose. Because if you don't, I'll choose for you."

Dick's head jerks up, and his eyes narrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Jason stares back, unflinching. "I've been spending a lot of time with Kory lately. She's an amazing girl, and she deserves so much better than this."

_(Intense music starts to play, as the camera moves to focus on Dick, and the dawning realisation on his face)._

"You like Kory!" he says, as if he can hardly believe it. "Jay, you're my _brother!_ Kory is my _fiance!"_

"Then do the right thing," Jason snaps. He turns to leave, and then pauses, turning back.

_(Camera moves in, focusing on Jason's face. His expression is bitter)._

"You're Dick Grayson," he says, cooly. "It shouldn't be that hard."

...

Episode 5130:

_(Camera shows both Jason and Kory. Jason is lying on the bed, his shirt off, his lower half covered by the bed sheets. He stares at Kory, concerned, as she holds her phone to her ear, her eyes wide)._

"Who was it?" Jason asks, concerned.

Kory put the phone on the table, her face pale. She lets out a small sob, and Jason moves closer, alarmed.

"It was Dick," Kory says, her voice trembling.

Jason places a hand on his shoulder. "What happened?"

"He — oh god Jay, what have we done?!" Kory chokes. "It was all a misunderstanding!"

Jason stares uncomprehendingly. "What do you mean?"

Kory let's out another choked sob. "He didn't sleep with her!" she moans. "The only reason Barbara was wearing his clothes was because she'd fallen into the lake, and Dick had rescued her! She needed a change of clothes, and Dick…oh god, he was just being a good guy and I treated him horribly!"

Her shoulders are shaking as she continues. "He was telling her that he was marrying me! That he'd made his choice, and I was the love of his life…and this is how I repay him?! By sleeping with his brother?!"

Jason sits up, and stares at her, his expression intense.

"It doesn't matter Kory!" he says firmly. "He should have told Barbara that back when it all started!"

"It _does_ matter Jason!" Kory retorts, pulling away. "It matters because I love him."

_(Camera focuses on Kory as she turns back to Jason. Her expression is distressed but firm, and tears stain her cheeks)._

"I'm sorry Jason," she says. "You've been such a good friend…but I don't think we should see each other again. I…I'll miss you. But this is goodbye."

_(Sad music starts to play as Kory stands, and walks out the door. The camera moves, and zooms in on Jason, who stares after her in shock)._

_(The image of Jason's face fades, and is replaced by a montage of moments from Jason and Kory's time together. The volume in the videos is muted, but sad, emotional music plays instead)._

Jason and Kory's first meeting is shown. She bumps into him, accidentally spilling his coffee on him. The two laugh, and Jason stares at her, a smile on his face.

The scene changes, and Jason is shown comforting Kory, as she cries about Dick. Jason reaches over to kiss her, leans away, and seemingly apologises; instead, Kory pulls him forward, and kisses him again.

Jason and Kory at the beach, watching the sunset.

_(The camera then shifts to Kory, who is standing outside. It is dark, and she stares at the house, a look of regret and sadness on her face. She then turns around, and walks to her car)._

**...**

**AN:**

**Had to include the video montage...I always burst out laughing when they appear in Bold and the Beautiful.**

**Also sorry if Dick seemed a bit...dickish in this chapter, but that's pretty much every soap opera character at some point haha.**

**Tell me what you think! (Also, as you can see, these stories don't follow directly from the previous chapter, or from each other; they're all just short snippets of the 'episodes' from this soap opera.**

**Author's Note:**

> So…after years of watching soap operas thanks to my mum's obsession with them, I decided to put that knowledge to good use xD These are each going to be fairly short bits of the 'episodes' in this fictional tv series, and in no particular order (so the next 'episode' will probably not follow directly after this).
> 
> Hope you enjoy!


End file.
